Stress, Struggle and Strength

Stress - It has been a while since I have blogged or even thought about writing at length. Even at this moment, I am sitting here trying to figure out where to start. As Jonathan McReynolds Lovin' me plays in my ear I think of the constant frustrations that I have concerning myself. At the age of 32, weeks away from 33 I am beginning to wrestle for the first time with thoughts of adequacy and wondering if I have fallen behind in some sense. Have I made a tremendous mistake in choosing my own happiness and love of solitude? Rather than marrying one of the women from my past? Am I making a strategic mistake by staying where I am with hopes of career growth? Or should I be patient and see what happens in the next two years and then consider a move back east or to the south? In addition to the questions above, I pose other questions to myself daily in the hope of motivating myself to see more than what I see. In the bible, David, a noted figure seemingly experienced a similar struggle. In Psalm 27:13-14, he posits that the hope of the hereafter while promising does not negate the natural need to feel empowered by what we see daily. Of course, my interpretation of this Psalm could lead some to believe that it is a lack of faith that inclines us to have doubts about our lives and I would push back to say that it is a result of my faith in God that I engage in this dialectic in the first place. We have to believe in God's existence in order to wonder why God does what God does or more specifically, why the life-map that God has for us is not always visible. Struggle - My mother in my crown-jewel and this might be because I learned what self-less love looked like from her. From the cradle to now, I have watched my mother tirelessly give her all in motherhood. Through the personal sacrifices that she made for me and my siblings, I discovered the powerful potential of love. In this vein, I have viewed every woman who I believed to be even somewhat suitable as a life-long companion. Do you have the ability to support a family like this black woman from the heart of the midwest? My mother for the past 25 years at least has dealt with overcoming health obstacles that many believed would prove to be fatal. I can recall vividly a December evening, watching my mom prepare to bathe after coming home from work and viewing her hands. Her fingers were purple, not kinda purple but vibrant purple and since Ohio winters are not easy on any of us, I wondered by her fingers looked like that. I surmised working hard, cooking and cleaning around the house were sure to blame for this assault on her body. I learned later that my mom had Reynauds Phenomena/Syndrome. This explained only part of the reason why my mom began to struggle with her health. She also was informed a few months later that she had scleroderma. The doctors told her that she would not live more than 5 years past that time, because of how far the disease had progressed. Mom, decided to ignore the skeptics and not live according to their prognosis but to upend the scripts. Now, fast forward past the birthdays that she was not supposed to live to see to today. When she is hospitalized with pains all in her body, I realized that I could not stomach the thought of seeing her differently than I know her to be. My mom told me 5 years ago, as I was preparing to graduate from Emory Univeristy, that If I came home every time she got ill, then I would never have a life. If I need you home, I will call for you. So, since this last hospitalization I have struggled with so many questions, Should I go home if for no other reason than to support my siblings and family in their care for my mom? Or is my decision to go home a secret resignation within myself that all hope is lost? I do not know the answer to this question, but it is one in which I continue to wrestle. Strength -